#1 Solved Problem in America

We all know the number one killer of both men and women of all ages in our great America. Heart disease. We also know the number one cause of heart disease. Yep, it's obesity. Now here's the real question: do we all know the number one cause of obesity? Should we blame it on the fatly misguided children of our great country? Are their parents at fault? No. We all know who's really to blame.

The fast food restaurants.

They are to blame, through and through. Do you know why? Why, it's because they've taught their customers to eat, eat, and EAT. They've corrupted children's minds, offering enticingly entertaining little toys to lead them astray. They've coaxed heartbroken teenagers, whispering sweet words of happiness through their fluffy McFlurries. They've misled dismissed adults, filling them with the caffeinated high to distract them from their lifelong failures. They've ruined America.

So what do we do? As consumers, we do nothing. What should they do? I know exactly what.

Laxatives. The core ingredient for any fine fast food meal—or at least, it should be. It will even solve world hunger, if used correctly. The fast food chains of America must include laxatives as an ingredient for every fattening, life-ruining meal on their menu.

Go ahead and take my order. I'd like a Whopper; hold the pickles, but DON'T forget the laxatives.

That's right, it's the simplest—and the best—solution. The cholesterol will go in one way and out the other, all the while allowing the consumer to taste the sweet seduction of that excess of salt and sugar. It would be like drinking as much alcohol as you like without the consequences of that dreadful hangover the next morning. Just a little rumble and jumble in your stomach, then POOF! It's as if you skipped breakfast, lunch, and dinner altogether. But you still got to taste it.

To all the Taco Bells and Dairy Queens, the McDonald's and Burger Kings, the Pizza Huts and Krispee Kremes... I'll let you corrupt the children, coax the teens, and mislead the adults. All I ask is that you put extra laxatives in my KFC fried chicken batter the next time I come back.